ONCE UPON A TIME…
So to start this story at the beginning I’m going to have to fill you in on a little detail about myself. I hate math. Always have and always will. You might as well be speaking Chinese to me when it comes to numbers. In my eyes there is now way to tell if it looks right just by looking at them. English, you can read what is written and kinda gauge if it sounds right or not. Math, not so much. I can come up with 17 answers to the exact same question and show my work for each one. In the end none will be right and there will be a big red X. Trust me this will tie in later on.
Now to get to where this whole baby thing began. We decided to try as neither of us is getting any younger. Better looking with age, YES. Younger, NO. It was Movember, and for anyone unfamiliar with this month it’s November but for men it means growing a mustache. Not just any mustache but they are given free reign to grow it however they see fit. Year one the men always do something simple. Then they get brave and bust out the creepiest, grossest, awkward looking patches of hair ever. It’s not for looks anymore it’s all for reactions. Who can get the most attention from grossed out women and jealous men who can’t seem to grow more than they did at age 13. For once having that 5 o’clock shadow everyday comes in handy. Those are the ‘real men’. The ones that win the office contests, creep women out on the subway and generally make their wives want to hurl at the thought of kissing them. Ok maybe that’s a bit harsh. But maybe not. Movember is all about raising awareness and funds for men’s health (Prostate Cancer, Testicular Cancer and Mental Health). So it is a good thing in the end. For me it meant kissing what felt like a broom and what I would imagine it would feel like to kiss your uncle. Lets just say it was certainly a mood killer for me.
It was the end of November and I figured I should be getting a visit from good old Aunt Flo in the next couple days. So until then I would save those really expensive pregnancy tests and just keep my fingers crossed that it worked this time. I don’t remember where I was going but I checked the date on my phone to see how many more days left until I could try a test. Everyone knows 28 days is average between ‘visits’ so I thought only two more days to go. Then the light bulb goes off. I have been miscounting my entire life. 20 years of bad math. See, I know it’s 28 days and most months have around 30. Yet I still counted from the same day (for example November 1 – December 1) as 28. Do you see where I’m going with this. I was always off. Since age 11 I just used the same number from the last time to calculate the next time. OMG idiot.
Once I get home I run into the washroom to take a test and see a faint pink stripe. FAIL. The pamphlet in the box clearly shows a bright pink line means your knocked up. So I message one of the only girls I know who’s had a baby and send her a pic via text just to be sure I didn’t do something wrong. ‘You’re pregnant” she tells me. Now I’m starting to panic. I don’t have another test and I have this elaborate plan on how to tell my husband when I do become pregnant. I can’t just say anything or I’ll ruin my surprise. UGH Pinterest you are amazing yet make my life complicated. I no longer can do anything the easy way. Actually I never could but it has enabled me to new heights. As always I have a plan. I head out to shoppers and buy a digital test. That won’t lie. Well at least it will say yes or no and not give me a half ass pink line.
So the little surprise I mentioned is actually a baby Toronto Maple Leaf jersey with my husband’s last name on it. Not the easiest thing to find. Went to Real Sports, Hockey Hall of Fame, Sportchek…..and so on. No luck. I called his fave store Ward & Patch Sports knowing they wouldn’t have it but might be able to direct me. Man alive finding one little jersey was turning into my lifes mission and thanks to Pinterest I couldn’t just tell my husband, I had to blow his mind! Sure enough the guys at Ward & Patch sent me to Pro Image in Newmarket. Two in stock. Sweet Jesus hold one for me I’m on my way! Once that was dealt with all I had to do was hide it from him until I needed it.
So back to the digital test. It was a Sunday so my husband plays hockey. Game was at night so I though perfect I’ll do the test then so he doesn’t catch me. Bad idea. Took the test and it said 1-2 weeks pregnant. My reaction was ‘OH CRAP’. Clearly deep inside I didn’t believe the little pink line or my girlfriend. OMG I needed to wrap the gift and set up something nice to give it to him. My mind was racing a mile a minute. It actually was happening. I could finally give him the jersey that was oh so cleaver. I got it wrapped, took some pics to share with you guys and sat down to let my mind race. He’s at hockey and I’m an idiot for doing it then and having to wait for him to get home. I am great at making myself crazy if you haven’t already figured that out.
Once my husband gets home I tell him I have a gift for him. Lets say something for Hannuka. He’s like ‘Your not supposed to get me anything’. Which I so cleaverly replied ‘Oh it’s just something small’. I had left it on the bed as that was the only place I could think to put it. Since it was dinner time he suggested we go for dinner and open it later. I was hungry so we went. Idiot. Now I was at dinner still holding this epic secret. The waitress asked if I wanted a drink and my heart dropped. I have wine with every meal pretty much so this was the beginning of the end. Obviously I said no and water would be fine. My husband looked at me and said you sure? OMG he’s going to figure it out and all my effort is wasted. But no he didn’t catch on. After dinner we go home and sit down to watch tv. I mention the gift again and said it’s on the bed. He said I’ll open it when I go up. I replied casually ‘OK’. OMG I have to watch an hour tv show now and hold this secret in. I’m an idiot. But for a good cause.
Finally it’s bed time and we head up. My husband sits on the bed starts unwrapping my Pinterest worthy gift and my heart freezes. I had strategically put the jersey in the box with the pregnancy test on top so that would be the first thing he would see. As he opened the box and pulled out the test, I thought I was going to pass out. No reaction. Just started at the stick as though he had no clue what it was. After watching that for a few seconds I reached into the bottom of the box and pulled out the digital one and handed it to him. Clearly the stupid light pink stripe confused him too. It makes processing the whole thing a lot more complicated. He looked at the digital test that said 1-2 weeks and his mouth dropped. He didn’t look up for what seemed like forever. Literally forever. I’m willing to bet it was a second or two max. I guess this is like when a guy proposes to a girl and she says yes after taking a second to process and for the guy it feels like eternity. It’s enough time to have 32 scenarios run through your head and your entire life flash before your eyes. Anyway, as he sat there with his mouth open staring at this stick I stared at him. Going over how much trouble it was to get this jersey, to hide it, to come up with the whole idea etc. Again it felt like forever. I don’t remember what happened after that as we were kinda both in awe but he loved the jersey and the surprise. Damn I’m good. Wait. It’s bed time and now I’m so wired I can’t sleep. Idiot.